SEXercise

***WARNING: CONTENT NOT SUITABLE FOR MY PARENTS, CHILDREN, OR ANYONE ELSE WHO THINKS THAT MY TMI HAS PREVIOUSLY REACHED ITS MAXIMUM SHOCK POTENTIAL***

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED- READ AT YOUR OWN RISK

My sister Amy called me last week and recommended I read an article on MSNBC titled “10 Secrets of the  Effortlessly Skinny”.  First off, I find the title of this article to be absolutely ludicrous. Effortlessly Skinny??? Get the frig outta here.  There is no such thing whatsoever.  And upon reading this article, I found that there is not one single ” secret” that does not require effort, whether it be physical or mental. See?   It is a very intriguing concept, this effortlessly skinny.  I, for one, would LOVE to meet one of these people, and I doubt I ever will, as they are as mythical as a unicorn.

As I have mentioned previously, my sister has not gained an ounce since high school.  She looks wonderful, and she WORKS at it.  She does not eat ice cream for dinner.  She does not sit on her duff watching TV and stuffing her face with Lay’s.  She WALKS.  Constantly.  She goes to the gym. She takes the stairs.  She eats healthy, low-calorie, well-balanced  meals every single day of her life.  She weighs herself consistently to watch her weight.  This, I believe, requires effort, yes??  I don’t think that she twitches her nose and floats to work every day, (although if you knew Amy as a child, you would find her ability to perform this feat more believable than a unicorn sighting).  If I were the younger sister, I would  have done all these things too, as a preventative, because  as you can see, FatChick-ness runs in our family. Unless you do the work.  I wish I had someone older than  me to show me what happens to your booty when you eat Oreos for breakfast.  OHMYDAMN I miss Oreos for breakfast…

Speaking of articles, my very good friend Lisa (who is a total Zipper, by the way.  Love ya Lisa, but it’s wicked true) sent me a link to an article recently regarding the caloric effects of having sex.  One theory is, if a person engages in 30 minutes of foreplay followed by 30 minutes of sex, you can burn 143 calories.  I am absolutely jaw-dropping stunned by this, for three reasons. 1. Holy crapoly am I in the wrong line of exercise.  2. THIRTY MINUTES OF SEX?? Oh My Gawd.    I cannot remember the last time I engaged in a sexual act that lasted any longer than 14 minutes, max.  With foreplay. I have had longer showers than sex. I have seen longer commercials for cripes sake.  Dave would have to get a  partner.  I don’t think that he would be apt to agree to a tag in, tag out, WWF type evening.  And 3. FOREPLAY?? Who has THAT anymore? Foreplay in my house is an instrumental song by Boston.  Period.

Hey…I am not saying its lacking anything. It’s all good in the end.  We just burn 43 calories instead of 143

**smirk**

Today’s playlist song is dedicated to my Zipper friend, Lisa…She has not been aforementioned because if there is any one mythical- unicorn- like- effortlessly- skinny- person in this word, it is she….And I hate that she gets to eat all the Oreos she wants….That witch is actually trying to gain weight. See? Told ya…Dupa Juda….Here’s some Foreplay for ya Shortcake….

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