Tuesday’s Blues Day

Well, attempt number one to quit smoking was an epic failure.  I am a weak, sad, and controlled individual. My cousin gave me sound advice from Einstein yesterday, ” I did not fail, I just found 1000 ways that don’t work”. Let’s see how today goes, shall we?

I had the opportunity to look at some pictures of myself yesterday. These were taken on Sunday, just 2 days ago.  I am disappointed to report that there is absolutely NO change in myself since the last round of pictures one month ago. I am still the chubby girl in the middle of a bunch of skinny chicks. One month  later.  ** Insert enormous sigh**

Yes, it has been one month.  One long, stupid month. And I still have multiple chins. My pants fit better, my bra is too big, but I still don’t seem to look any better.  What a load of crap.

I have 428 fans on the FatChick facebook page, but only about 156 daily readers. What the hell is up with that?? Thank you, all 156 of you, for sticking with me.  I am ashamed to admit that I may not have the same dedication that you have. And to the other 272 Donkey Assclowns? Patuh…

There apparently will not be a recipe posted on Wednesday, as no one has shared a recipe with me.  So, there goes that idea, right out  the window, along with a portion of my confidence.

Off to run 2 miles on the golden road to no where in my den,  and then  spend another 45 minutes with Gilly Ann and T. On a side note, to all of you Big Bang Theory watchers, I am  quite pained to tell you that Wolowitz looked way  hotter in the Bat Girl costume than I did. How sad is that?? 

Today’s song is submitted by another blogger, who writes ” I was a show girl”, which is a blog similar to mine, regarding weight loss.  She is a big fan of pop music to work out to, and recommends Lady GaGa, which is another from my ipod tracks.  Here it is, ” Bad Romance”, a very catchy tune

email: vltarsa9@yahoo.com

FatChick’s Story

Saturday I was back on the wagon. Had an excellent walk on the treadmill, 2 miles in 30 minutes exactly, without any sprints.  Was not in a sprinting kind of mood, and I am glad for it.  This was my best time ever, I have been trying to get to a 15 minute walking mile  for some time now.  Go FatChick!

Dropped a hand weight on my foot.  Just a 3 pounder, but it still hurt like hell.  Hoards of bad words came out of my mouth.  Fortunately, I could not hear them over the volume of my ipod, so they don’t count.

If any of you are looking for an excellent exercise DVD, might I suggest ordering a copy of Yoga Booty Ballet.  I cannot say enough about it.  Try looking for this on ebay, as I paid a small fortune for mine from BeachBody.com.  Yes, the instructors are total skinny zipper bitches, and they are completely cracked out, but the workout is fantastic. Ballet, yoga, cardio/strength combination, and a fantastic abs section.  I just love the abs section.  You lay on the floor, with a squeezy ball between your legs ( included with DVD) and d0 about 15 minutes of ab work.  It does not hurt your neck, and  it works your entire abdominals, which is very hard to do with regular crunches.  The ball works the lower abdominals (where the gunt is) while the crunches work the mid to upper abs.   Love love love it.  If you have dogs at home, however, you may want to lock them up while using this video.   Mine think I am on the floor to play, and there is nothing quite as disgusting as a 120 lbs of  stinky, slobbery  bloodhound standing directly over your face, drooling into your mouth.

I am thinking that when I reach my first goal weight ( which I will never share, by the way) I am going to try to visit a gym.  I have never been to one, as I am not much of a people person.  I like to sweat, get winded, jiggle,  and fall off  equipment in the privacy of my own home.  But I think this would be a grand adventure, and I have a few friends that visit the gym regularly that can show me how to use things, and hopefully curb some of the anxiety that I will undoubtedly experience. It will make a good story, and my goal is to share with you if the gym is a welcoming, judgement free zone, as they claim on the posters in the windows. I am incredibly doubtful of that claim.  I am a woman, after all, and women have been preprogramed to size up other women in our minds, and compare ourselves to them.   Who’s ass is bigger, who’s boobs are saggiest, and if they aren’t saggy, they MUST obviously be fake, who has the most wrinkles…Oh beans, I don’t think I can do this after all.  Momentary brain fart..what was I thinking!

I would like to start  a recipe exchange of sorts on the blog.  What I would like to see happen is for readers to email me your favorite low cal/low fat dinner recipes, and I will share them on the blog. Hoping that Wednesday could be recipe day, with a short story and a recipe.   There are readers out there, yes??  I mean, other than my mother and aunts?  Hmm….

On the Facebook fan page, I have asked readers to submit their favorite workout songs. Please visit the page and leave your favorites there, and I will post them in the daily blogs.   Music video to follow is Animal by Nickelback, submitted by Christie Duquette from Land O’Lakes, Florida.  Check it out….its a good tune

BIG LOVE to you all… Happy FUNday!

HA! Tough SHIT!

There is a rumor going around town that FatChick was seen yesterday at Jack’s Hot Dog Stand.  I am here to tell you that you should not believe everything that you hear.  But guess whaaatt??

IT IS ABSOLUTELY TRUE!

On Friday I did NOTHING…NOTHING….so how do ya like me now?? I did NOT exercise.  Not even once. I didn’t even run up the stairs.(Okay, I did do a few sets of standing leg lifts….but whatevs)    I did NOT eat healthy. I ate JACKS! And chocolate milk! And a handful of my niece’s HOTFRIES!  And I had a SLUSH PUPPIE!! And it was BLUE And so is my tongue!!  And I LOVED IT!  Speaking of which, does anyone have any Tums?

AND I HAD  TWO BEERS!!  And a SNACK!! I ate peanut butter today…I haven’t had peanut butter in a month! Damn I missed that peanut butter. I was a total fat pig  sluggy sloth yesterday.

And GUESS WHAT?  I DON”T CARE!  I’M NOT SORRY!!  Neener neener and all that jazz… I  took a day off…..TOUGH SHIT! I’m over it already.  Back on track today. Same Fat Time, Same Fat Channel

MISSION LOG

Mission Goal: Release SkinnyChick from captivity

Mission Obstacles: The Easter Bunny

Calories Consumed: roughly 15,000 over the entire weekend, not counting the cookies I didn’t see FatChick eat

Mission Log:

FatChick had been doing incredibly well. She had kept her calorie input to a bare minimum, and was doing double sessions of calisthenics daily. And then Easter hit.

For much of the day, FatChick ate well.   I had ordered the chocolate bunnies to stand down, and FatChick held her fire. There was a celebration at Lieutenant General’s bunker, and FatChick ate what I feel is a normal, healthy amount of food. FatChick even skipped dessert. Impressive.

I am not sure where things started to go downhill. FatChick ate a miniature Reeses egg, and Private Bitchalot chased her down, demanding that she spit it out.  FatChick didn’t, and I believe she laughed in his face and said the words ” Make me”.  At approximately 15:00 hours, FatChick and her platoon convoyed to Enemy Camp.  This is where things went sour.

FatChick and company arrived just in time for dessert at Enemy Camp.  FatChick again skipped dessert, and I was proud. She conversed with friends and was having a good time on leave from base, and I admit I was as well. A visiting Sargeant at the camp told FatChick she looks like she had lost weight since their last visit.  I was ecstatic.  I have been a POW  now for 5 years, and I was getting my first glipse at a day in the sunshine. And then it happened….

It was gruesome. I can barely speak of it.  So many casualties.  The first line of attack came in the form of kielbasa, cheese and horseradish. FatChick took them  down with minimal effort.  A second round of shots was then fired by deviled eggs, pickles and more kielbasa.  These too, suffered numerous casualties. The final wave of the attack came in the form of chocolate chip cookies, cake and easter candy. The bunnies had joined forces with the desserts, and together they made quick work of FatChick.  She never even had a chance. There was enemy fire coming from all directions.  The last I saw her, she was on her knees waving a white flag.

I awoke yesterday at dawn, and I was again with FatChick. We were in horrible pain. Our stomach was a volatile mess.  We spent the entire day in the infirmary. I hope FatChick has learned her lesson. I most certainly have.  The Easter Bunny is far more powerful than I had imagined. He has taken over Ops here  at the base, and has men stationed all over camp. I have sent word through a secret courier that I am in desperate need of backup.  Mission Control is down, so I appear to be on my own. I am hopeful that Captain McSkinnabitchz receives my request in time  and sends suppport. Otherwise, the world may have seen the last of me.

Further report in the morning..

OPERATION: Kill FatChick…Day 16

Mission Goal:  Help Skinny Chick regain her freedom

Mission Obstacles: Wait for it…wait for it… Friggin beer. Shocker, I know

Weight loss: still not looking like 10 lbs

Calories consumed: Depends on what FatChick is counting as “calories”

Mission Log:

I apologize for the lapse in my reports. I have spent some time in the infirmary. There had been an incident several days ago involving a muscle rub and some holes.  It is too painful to speak of.  I almost went AWOL. Morale is low…

FatChick has been slacking this week. She has done nothing but complain about the pain in her legs, and I am frankly quite sick of hearing about it.  Give me a break now, would ya? FatChick wold not BE in this position had she followed MY instructions all along.  It is not rocket science.  Calories IN, calories OUT.  FatChick is doing fantastically in the way of calories that you CHEW.  Liquid calories are a major issue.  I have contacted Mission Control and requested a consultation with a physician specializing in the prevention and  treatment of liver disease, and have put her name on the waiting list at Betty Ford. She will definitely NOT go quietly.

For example. This evening, at 20:oo, FatChick convoyed to an enemy camp. Her intent was to use an elliptical machine that is stored there.  She did use this for 30 minutes. I was very pleased with her progress.  Until she opened the ice box and drank a beer.  Her visits to the enemy camp alarm me.  She has amazing comraderie with the soldiers stationed at this camp, and an admirable support system. But there is always beer.  And of COURSE FatChick is going to drink it….NOT a wise idea for the GUNT.

FatChick is on leave for the next 4 days.  I am anxious to see how she does.

Further report in the morning.

OPERATION: KILL FATCHICK

Mission goal: lose 30lbs, and release Skinny Chick from captivity

Mission obstacles: food, beer, kids, life, and sleep

Operation Kill The Fat Chick, day 8.. .Pounds lost: , 8.
Calories consumed: not enough
Beers drank: 6
Pounds regained since beer consumption: 2
Cigarettes smoked: Its best not to ask

Mission Log:

I think the Fat Chick is starting to get suspicious of the intent of this mission. I caught her staring at me this morning, wondering where part of her second chin went. I don’t think she is completely sure of my presence, but I know she is really getting pissed about running on the treadmill every day. She was not going to get on today at all, but I secretly put her ipod on the kitchen table last night, with her favorite treadmill song all set to play. She fell for it…thank God….

However, I have run into some enemy fire that I was not anticipating. There is Easter candy on the top of her refrigerator. I am not quite positive, but I thought I heard it calling out Fat Chick’s name last night after she returned from playing pitch. She kept glancing in the direction of the chocolate, and I am pretty sure she heard it calling her too. I must speak to Mission Control, and ask him to hide this somewhere she won’t find it, like in the gun cabinet or the bottom of the hamper. We mustn’t let the evil chocolate bunny stop our further progress to achieve this goal. 

 Full report in the morning….