FatChick’s Story

Saturday I was back on the wagon. Had an excellent walk on the treadmill, 2 miles in 30 minutes exactly, without any sprints.  Was not in a sprinting kind of mood, and I am glad for it.  This was my best time ever, I have been trying to get to a 15 minute walking mile  for some time now.  Go FatChick!

Dropped a hand weight on my foot.  Just a 3 pounder, but it still hurt like hell.  Hoards of bad words came out of my mouth.  Fortunately, I could not hear them over the volume of my ipod, so they don’t count.

If any of you are looking for an excellent exercise DVD, might I suggest ordering a copy of Yoga Booty Ballet.  I cannot say enough about it.  Try looking for this on ebay, as I paid a small fortune for mine from BeachBody.com.  Yes, the instructors are total skinny zipper bitches, and they are completely cracked out, but the workout is fantastic. Ballet, yoga, cardio/strength combination, and a fantastic abs section.  I just love the abs section.  You lay on the floor, with a squeezy ball between your legs ( included with DVD) and d0 about 15 minutes of ab work.  It does not hurt your neck, and  it works your entire abdominals, which is very hard to do with regular crunches.  The ball works the lower abdominals (where the gunt is) while the crunches work the mid to upper abs.   Love love love it.  If you have dogs at home, however, you may want to lock them up while using this video.   Mine think I am on the floor to play, and there is nothing quite as disgusting as a 120 lbs of  stinky, slobbery  bloodhound standing directly over your face, drooling into your mouth.

I am thinking that when I reach my first goal weight ( which I will never share, by the way) I am going to try to visit a gym.  I have never been to one, as I am not much of a people person.  I like to sweat, get winded, jiggle,  and fall off  equipment in the privacy of my own home.  But I think this would be a grand adventure, and I have a few friends that visit the gym regularly that can show me how to use things, and hopefully curb some of the anxiety that I will undoubtedly experience. It will make a good story, and my goal is to share with you if the gym is a welcoming, judgement free zone, as they claim on the posters in the windows. I am incredibly doubtful of that claim.  I am a woman, after all, and women have been preprogramed to size up other women in our minds, and compare ourselves to them.   Who’s ass is bigger, who’s boobs are saggiest, and if they aren’t saggy, they MUST obviously be fake, who has the most wrinkles…Oh beans, I don’t think I can do this after all.  Momentary brain fart..what was I thinking!

I would like to start  a recipe exchange of sorts on the blog.  What I would like to see happen is for readers to email me your favorite low cal/low fat dinner recipes, and I will share them on the blog. Hoping that Wednesday could be recipe day, with a short story and a recipe.   There are readers out there, yes??  I mean, other than my mother and aunts?  Hmm….

On the Facebook fan page, I have asked readers to submit their favorite workout songs. Please visit the page and leave your favorites there, and I will post them in the daily blogs.   Music video to follow is Animal by Nickelback, submitted by Christie Duquette from Land O’Lakes, Florida.  Check it out….its a good tune

BIG LOVE to you all… Happy FUNday!

HA! Tough SHIT!

There is a rumor going around town that FatChick was seen yesterday at Jack’s Hot Dog Stand.  I am here to tell you that you should not believe everything that you hear.  But guess whaaatt??

IT IS ABSOLUTELY TRUE!

On Friday I did NOTHING…NOTHING….so how do ya like me now?? I did NOT exercise.  Not even once. I didn’t even run up the stairs.(Okay, I did do a few sets of standing leg lifts….but whatevs)    I did NOT eat healthy. I ate JACKS! And chocolate milk! And a handful of my niece’s HOTFRIES!  And I had a SLUSH PUPPIE!! And it was BLUE And so is my tongue!!  And I LOVED IT!  Speaking of which, does anyone have any Tums?

AND I HAD  TWO BEERS!!  And a SNACK!! I ate peanut butter today…I haven’t had peanut butter in a month! Damn I missed that peanut butter. I was a total fat pig  sluggy sloth yesterday.

And GUESS WHAT?  I DON”T CARE!  I’M NOT SORRY!!  Neener neener and all that jazz… I  took a day off…..TOUGH SHIT! I’m over it already.  Back on track today. Same Fat Time, Same Fat Channel

FatChick’s Story

I am depressed.  I have been busting my dupa for almost a month, with quite minimal movement of the scale. Yes things fit better.  Yes I have gone down a bit in my  cup size.  But do I REALLY need to go down a cup size?? What was wrong with the cup size I had?? Stupid boobs..

I am still eating prunes.  Let me explain why.  I am not attempting to “cleanse” anything, those that know me also know that I have a very healthy and active colon.  However, I have started taking a multi vitamin, and an additional vitamin D supplement, which tend to slow down  traffic on the fecal freeway. In addition to these, ibuprofen has become part of my food pyramid, due to the excessive pain I have been in because of T and Gilly Ann.  Those ladies really know how to work a body. So instead of adding a pill or a powder to my already toxined body, I have been eating prunes. Au naturel…as I have told you, they work a little too well.

I am back on the good food wagon.  I am exercising ONE AND A HALF HOURS per day.  60 minutes of strength/cardio with a WICKED yoga and ab segment, and 30 minutes on the elliptical.   I have been doing this for approximately 12 days. I have also recently  started taking 3 ten minute walks a day during work with Krista.  ASK me how much additional  weight I have lost.  Go ahead…ASK….a measly one pound. OHMYBALLSCHEDGE  ONE FRIGGIN POUND.

I am no more unrealistic than the next guy here.  I know it takes about 6 weeks to begin to see ” real” results.  I know you don’t just wake up one day and are all of a sudden skinny.  I KNOW this.  But there is still that woman in the depths of my mind that is telling me that the scale should still move SOMEWHAT. I know there are women out there, taking supplements, walking during their lunch breaks, gritting their teeth through a miserable Denise Austin DVD, and even skating the edge of death doing Jillian Michael’s 30 day shred ( which is so intense it is nearly impossible to do, by the way.  NOT recommended for the overweight and out of shape unless you happen to live with an EMT). And I know that these women hop on the scale EVERY DAY in hopes to see that wretched number go down.  And it doesn’t.  The human body needs to come up with a better system here, maybe give a girl the ability to drop a VERY QUICK 10 lbs to keep the motivation high.  Because these aforementioned women are all quitting.  And I wish I could say I blame them, but I don’t. This is so hard, so exhausting, and so time consuming.  My house is a filthy pig hole because all of my free time is spent exercising, and you damn well KNOW no one else is going to clean it.  My grocery bill is off the wall, because eating produce is designed for the budget of only the rich and famous.  Really, does it cost THAT MUCH to grow fruit and vegetables?? Come on now..

I cannot count calories.  I have tried.  Do you know what I constantly  think about?? How many I have left.  Do you know how MADDENING that is?? To be aware of nothing else…NOTHING ELSE…not the changing traffic light, not the tv program, not the conversation with your children…just how many stinking calories you have left to eat, and how you are going to eat them. No thanks.  I am all set.  I am just being extremely conscious about what I am putting in my mouth, and accepting that sometimes, you just need another helping of  rice.  It won’t kill me, that’s for sure, and when you consume only oatmeal and salad all day long, that extra helping of rice most certainly is earned.

So I guess my message to you all is this. Do NOT give up on your SkinnyChick.  Yes it is terribly hard work.  Yes, the food sucks and costs a bloody fortune.   Yes, it takes forever…FOREVER…to see results.  But I have just over 2 weeks left of that coveted  ”first six weeks”, and I swear to Gilly Ann I will not give up….Pray for me…

Mission Log

Mission Goal: to overthrow the bunnies, and regain control of base

Mission Obstacles: Privates Bitchalot and Demandalot, and FatChick

Mission Log:

My request for backup has been received and granted.  Operation plans are to ambush the easter bunnies that have taken control of base. Capt McSkinnobitchz has formed a brigade and air support that will strike today at 0900 hours.  Major Jiminnee Cricket is heading up the air strike, which will be our first wave of attack.     Primary targets are the galley and Pvt’s quarters.   Capt McSkinnobitchz has control of ground strike, which will ensue following Maj Crickets attack.  She will use Guerilla tactics,  to be in and out as quickly as possible.  No hostages will be taken, all enemies are to be shot on site.  All commanders are hopeful for a very successful mission.

I am to stay out of sight on base, and attempt to locate Mission Control and free him from captivity.  I have been preparing for 24 hours, and I believe I have the strength and stamina to achieve this goal.  Once Mission Control has been freed, together we will open full assault operation on FatChick.  She is to be taken alive and tried for treason against her country.

Godspeed to all my brothers and sisters.  We will need all the help we can get.

Further report in the morning.

OPERATION: Kill FatChick…Day 16

Mission Goal:  Help Skinny Chick regain her freedom

Mission Obstacles: Wait for it…wait for it… Friggin beer. Shocker, I know

Weight loss: still not looking like 10 lbs

Calories consumed: Depends on what FatChick is counting as “calories”

Mission Log:

I apologize for the lapse in my reports. I have spent some time in the infirmary. There had been an incident several days ago involving a muscle rub and some holes.  It is too painful to speak of.  I almost went AWOL. Morale is low…

FatChick has been slacking this week. She has done nothing but complain about the pain in her legs, and I am frankly quite sick of hearing about it.  Give me a break now, would ya? FatChick wold not BE in this position had she followed MY instructions all along.  It is not rocket science.  Calories IN, calories OUT.  FatChick is doing fantastically in the way of calories that you CHEW.  Liquid calories are a major issue.  I have contacted Mission Control and requested a consultation with a physician specializing in the prevention and  treatment of liver disease, and have put her name on the waiting list at Betty Ford. She will definitely NOT go quietly.

For example. This evening, at 20:oo, FatChick convoyed to an enemy camp. Her intent was to use an elliptical machine that is stored there.  She did use this for 30 minutes. I was very pleased with her progress.  Until she opened the ice box and drank a beer.  Her visits to the enemy camp alarm me.  She has amazing comraderie with the soldiers stationed at this camp, and an admirable support system. But there is always beer.  And of COURSE FatChick is going to drink it….NOT a wise idea for the GUNT.

FatChick is on leave for the next 4 days.  I am anxious to see how she does.

Further report in the morning.

OPERATION: Kill FatChick…FatChick’s story

The last night of pitch league was an interesting one.  Apparently the theme for the night was Sabotage Operation: Kill FatChick…

My good buddy Anne came to pitch peddling Easter M&M’s. When I say “peddling”, what I really mean is dumping them on MY table every damn chance she got.  Every time someone walked by my table, I received a little tiny pastel baggie of M&M’s.  From league members. My Dad.  Her husband. Even the freaking bartender was delivering M&M’s to my table. I had over 30 baggies of M&M’s.  Being the  strong willed and powerful fat person that I am ( which is certainly a lie, otherwise I would not be, well..fat),  I gave them all away to a friend of mine to give to his grandkids.  Anne, on the other hand, got her ass tossed into the Hoosick.  Hope that bitch can swim…..

Shortly thereafter, Bridget called me to complain about the fact that her throat hurts too much for her to swallow her Burger King french fries. She is telling me this while chewing the french fries. Luckily for me,  she is unable to perform the Heimlich on herself.  I am sure gonna miss Bridget…

Dave wanted to go to Village.  He went all right. And he’s still there, locked in their walk- in cooler.  Some people just NEVER learn…

I am feeling a bit good about myself these days.  Exercise, endorphins, blah blah blah..I really think that has very little to do with it.  I believe the real reason for my happiness stems from the fact that I no longer need side  and rear view mirrors in the shower to shave below my Gunt…

I am able to move around much better today.  My muscles have returned to a semi normal, painless state.  It must be the Ben Gay I used the night before.  Have any of you ever used Ben Gay?? Well, it’s really good stuff.  You put it on and rub it in, and it radiates a pain reliever 4 inches farther  out than you originally put it.  Did ya get that?? RADIATES  4 inches.  I used it on my inner  thighs and butt….I have 4 words for you….

FIRE IN THE HOLE!!!!!

OWIE OWIE BOO BOO CITY!

Now that is a mistake I will certainly never make again…

OPERATION: KILL FATCHICK, FatChick’s story

Today I skipped the treadmill. My good buddy JoMargie suggested I attempt some different form of exercise for the next few days due to the searing pain in each of my shins. So today, I did Yoga Booty Ballet, a DVD I own. Now I remember why I LOATH exercise DVDs…. The workout itself is actually awesome, lots of fun, and you almost don’t even realize you are exercising.

ALMOST…

Its the friggen instructors I cannot stand. On Yoga Booty Ballet, I am coached through 45 minutes of cardio, strength, yoga, and, of course, ballet. My coaches are Gillian and Teigh….Let me pronounce these for you…GILLY ANN, and T….yes, T. Like Chamomille. They are skinny, toned, and stoned out women who are far too chipper for their own good. I am over weight, out of shape, and gasping for breath. What I need to hear from these women is “Dont quit now fatty! You can do it! Keep this up and your ass won’t jiggle anymore! I KNOW it hurts but FINISH! “….What I am getting, instead, is ” it is like you are holding the golden orb of the sun”, or ” let your arms FLOAT up”, and ” doesn’t that feel GOOOOODDD” and “ELONGATE yourself…it is as if you are ascending to the sky”…

So here’s me, Fat Chick, with the most disgusted look on my face, thinking  “Golden orb…WHAT?”….REALLY?? IS IT?? Just like that, huh?? Cause its REALLY more like my ass muscles are on fire, my arms are giving out, my abdominals have left the building, and it is taking all of my strength to hold this pose for what is CLEARLY longer than a standard 8 count. Are ya’all too looped out on endorphins to remember how to COUNT?? 12345678…..kay done….I do not put Mississippi’s in there. Or deep breaths. Or smiles….and if they don’t call 911 then there is a good chance that I WILL ascend directly into the sky….

 One of my former instructors, Ms. Denise Austin, has been banned from my home. If that perky cracked out bitch ever shows her face here again she is toast. What does that woman take every day?? If I NEVER hear the phrase “Is your tummy tight? I HOPE so!!” again, it will be far too soon. I would like to invite Ms. Denise Austin to a blanket party, where she wears the blanket, and gets beat on by old, fat cheerleaders weilding pillow cases full of bar soap. Maybe THAT will knock some of the pep outta Ms. Austin’s step.

My Booty lost a pound…so for that, T, I am grateful…..

OPERATION: KILL FATCHICK, Day 11

Mission Goal: Release SkinnyChick from captivity

Mission Obstacles: Tacos, Miller Lite, Chocolate

Calories Consumed: Mostly in the form of green produce

Pounds lost: 9

Mission Log:

FatChick awoke this morning to searing pain in her shins.  This has been an ongoing problem for the past 3 days.  I had contacted several higher ranking officers  for suggestions on how to get around this problem, and a wise General suggested that I have FatChick take a few days off from the treadmill.  Last evening, I located several exercise DVDs, and FatChick did, indeed, use one today at 0500 hours.

Yoga Booty Ballet…very interesting title, and a challenging workout.  FatChick maneuvered adeptly through the Ballet and cardio/strength segments. The Yoga part was a bit of an issue.  FatChick is definitely NOT a calm, OHM type  of person.  FatChick, more than once, called the instructor a ” cracked out bitch”.  I am ashamed to admit that I agree with her opinion.  The instructors are a bit too peppy for my taste. I prefer a more direct approach to achieve my goal, and faking a smile and pretending these workouts to be fun is just plain bullshit.

I found out, the hard way, why there is the word ” Booty” in the title.  Upon rising today, at 0700 hours, FatChick literally cried in pain.  Her glutes, hamstrings, and quads are in complete spasm. Even sitting on a toilet requires her to use handrails.  I have sent Mission Control out to acquire more heating pads, as FatChick is having a hard time deciding which muscle hurts the most.

Have reestablished contact with Mission Control. Apparently he was overpowered by FatChick, and  found himself in a compromising position. He has requested that I remove spinach and prunes from our rations inventory.  I cannot blame him one bit.

FatChick attended a family gathering of sorts last night.  I believe they called this “Mexican Night”.  FatChick prepared for this evening with two rounds of  calisthenics and virtually a calorie free day consisting of one serving of cornflakes and strawberries.  I had anticipated her to binge on tacos and margaritas.  However, FatChick surprised me by having only two tacos, and two frozen margaritas. NO salt. I believe I have kicked her of the salt habit for good. I have told her repeatedly to remember how she feels the morning after, similar to that of Sponge Bob out of water.

Just one slipup to report.  FatChick opened another bag of chocolate chips. She is sneaking handfuls when I am not looking.  Mission Control caught her, and tore the bag from her death grip on it.  FatChick is currently not communicating with Mission Control.  After the brutal torture he endured this week past, I am worried he will not make it through the mission. There is rumor that he is requesting a transfer.

Further report in the morning

OPERATION: Kill Fatchick, Day 10

Mission Goal: Release Skinny Chick from captivity

Mission Obstacles: The American Legion, Post 125

Calories Consumed: 760 food, 1,000 Miller Lite

Mission Log:

Fat Chick woke up this morning and attempted to extract herself from bed. She rolled over, sat up, and lay back down screaming ” Oil Can! Oil Can!!”…..I found this amusing, and I believe she could hear me laughing at her, because when she finally stood, she said several cuss words that I am only to assume were directed at me. I believe the subject is suffering from shin splints, which I must say, are dampening my day as well.

Last evening, at approximately 23:00 hours, as Fat Chick was leaving the Legion, she spotted a miniature peanut butter cup egg, a Reese’s, to be exact. This was just lying on the table, next to the door. Mission Control spotted this at roughly the same moment, and both lunged for this simultaneously. After a struggle, and a chair being knocked over, Mission Control lost the battle, and Fat Chick laughed victoriously and devoured the small egg. It was delicious.

On a happier note, Fat Chick refused to eat at a Burger King drive thru on the way home from what I can only describe as an alcohol binge. Mission Control thought she would enjoy a Whopper Junior. I am pleased to report that she declined this invitation. I have been trying to radio Mission Control for a more detailed report on the evening’s events, and for the reason behind what I can only assume is an attempt to sabotage my mission. I have been unable to make contact all day. I am starting to get nervous, and am wondering if I have been abandoned.

Fat Chick ran 1.5 miles on the treadmill today. She was about to quit at only 15 minutes into the run, as she got sweat in her eye and was screaming and swearing in pain, and I began to panic. I had no backup for this situation, and the only option I had was to surf the iPod. Thank you, Proud Mary, for pulling Fat Chick through the run.

I cannot locate some of my rations I have purchased. According to my inventory, there should be 2 bags of dried prunes. I cannot locate either. Concern is that Fat Chick has disposed of them. Will continue search and rescue through the day.

Easter candy hostages’ location is still unknown to me, however, I am sensing their presence on base. I am not sure, but I believe I again heard them calling out to Fat Chick sometime in the middle of the night. Thankfully, she was too intoxicated to wake up. Once I receive word from Mission Control, I will request another hostage transfer order to have these demons extricated from the base entirely.

Am concerned about the morale of the scale. It was horribly abused this morning, at approximately 0-700 hours. Requesting counseling consultation for scale, and perhaps some Prozac.

Further report in the morning……

OPERATION: KILL FATCHICK, FatChick’s story..

I hate the scale.

I hate the treadmill.

I hate 4:30 am

I hate veggies.

I hate that my pee smells like veggies.

I hate prunes.

I hate sweat in my eyes. Especially when I was too buzzed to take my makeup off the night before.

I hate yogurt.

I hate that I cannot find the Easter candy

Last night I walked to pitch in an effort to PRE burn the calories I would inevitably drink. That skank bitch of a scale didn’t move an inch this morning, and I am either mad that I didn’t lose, or glad that I didn’t gain…still not sure how I feel about that. But one thing is for certain. The scale needs to die, and it is lucky that I did not heave its ass out the window this morning.

Ran like a sonofabitch this morning. My shins hurt, and I forgot to take off my eye makeup last night, which, when combined with excessive sweat, could possibly remove varnish. I believe my left retina is burned to a crisp, but amazingly I could still see the numbers on that bitch scale……

I would like to take a minute to thank my Mom for her suggestion to add prunes to my diet. They are tasty, organic, and rich in antioxidants. Do you know who is definitely NOT thanking my Mom?? The man who cleans the bathroom at the legion….do the antioxidants stay in your body even though you defecate half your organs??? I will have to google this…..

Dave asked me 5 times last night, at the Legion, if I wanted to go to Burger King on the way home. Do not be alarmed if you don’t hear from him in the next 24 hours. I have gagged him with baby spinach, hog tied him to the treadmill and shoved a prune up his ass…He won’t be suggesting that again.

still only 8 goddamn pounds…..and 22 to go……skank bitch scale…..