Tuesday’s Blues Day

Well, attempt number one to quit smoking was an epic failure.  I am a weak, sad, and controlled individual. My cousin gave me sound advice from Einstein yesterday, ” I did not fail, I just found 1000 ways that don’t work”. Let’s see how today goes, shall we?

I had the opportunity to look at some pictures of myself yesterday. These were taken on Sunday, just 2 days ago.  I am disappointed to report that there is absolutely NO change in myself since the last round of pictures one month ago. I am still the chubby girl in the middle of a bunch of skinny chicks. One month  later.  ** Insert enormous sigh**

Yes, it has been one month.  One long, stupid month. And I still have multiple chins. My pants fit better, my bra is too big, but I still don’t seem to look any better.  What a load of crap.

I have 428 fans on the FatChick facebook page, but only about 156 daily readers. What the hell is up with that?? Thank you, all 156 of you, for sticking with me.  I am ashamed to admit that I may not have the same dedication that you have. And to the other 272 Donkey Assclowns? Patuh…

There apparently will not be a recipe posted on Wednesday, as no one has shared a recipe with me.  So, there goes that idea, right out  the window, along with a portion of my confidence.

Off to run 2 miles on the golden road to no where in my den,  and then  spend another 45 minutes with Gilly Ann and T. On a side note, to all of you Big Bang Theory watchers, I am  quite pained to tell you that Wolowitz looked way  hotter in the Bat Girl costume than I did. How sad is that?? 

Today’s song is submitted by another blogger, who writes ” I was a show girl”, which is a blog similar to mine, regarding weight loss.  She is a big fan of pop music to work out to, and recommends Lady GaGa, which is another from my ipod tracks.  Here it is, ” Bad Romance”, a very catchy tune

email: vltarsa9@yahoo.com

FatChick’s Story

Saturday I was back on the wagon. Had an excellent walk on the treadmill, 2 miles in 30 minutes exactly, without any sprints.  Was not in a sprinting kind of mood, and I am glad for it.  This was my best time ever, I have been trying to get to a 15 minute walking mile  for some time now.  Go FatChick!

Dropped a hand weight on my foot.  Just a 3 pounder, but it still hurt like hell.  Hoards of bad words came out of my mouth.  Fortunately, I could not hear them over the volume of my ipod, so they don’t count.

If any of you are looking for an excellent exercise DVD, might I suggest ordering a copy of Yoga Booty Ballet.  I cannot say enough about it.  Try looking for this on ebay, as I paid a small fortune for mine from BeachBody.com.  Yes, the instructors are total skinny zipper bitches, and they are completely cracked out, but the workout is fantastic. Ballet, yoga, cardio/strength combination, and a fantastic abs section.  I just love the abs section.  You lay on the floor, with a squeezy ball between your legs ( included with DVD) and d0 about 15 minutes of ab work.  It does not hurt your neck, and  it works your entire abdominals, which is very hard to do with regular crunches.  The ball works the lower abdominals (where the gunt is) while the crunches work the mid to upper abs.   Love love love it.  If you have dogs at home, however, you may want to lock them up while using this video.   Mine think I am on the floor to play, and there is nothing quite as disgusting as a 120 lbs of  stinky, slobbery  bloodhound standing directly over your face, drooling into your mouth.

I am thinking that when I reach my first goal weight ( which I will never share, by the way) I am going to try to visit a gym.  I have never been to one, as I am not much of a people person.  I like to sweat, get winded, jiggle,  and fall off  equipment in the privacy of my own home.  But I think this would be a grand adventure, and I have a few friends that visit the gym regularly that can show me how to use things, and hopefully curb some of the anxiety that I will undoubtedly experience. It will make a good story, and my goal is to share with you if the gym is a welcoming, judgement free zone, as they claim on the posters in the windows. I am incredibly doubtful of that claim.  I am a woman, after all, and women have been preprogramed to size up other women in our minds, and compare ourselves to them.   Who’s ass is bigger, who’s boobs are saggiest, and if they aren’t saggy, they MUST obviously be fake, who has the most wrinkles…Oh beans, I don’t think I can do this after all.  Momentary brain fart..what was I thinking!

I would like to start  a recipe exchange of sorts on the blog.  What I would like to see happen is for readers to email me your favorite low cal/low fat dinner recipes, and I will share them on the blog. Hoping that Wednesday could be recipe day, with a short story and a recipe.   There are readers out there, yes??  I mean, other than my mother and aunts?  Hmm….

On the Facebook fan page, I have asked readers to submit their favorite workout songs. Please visit the page and leave your favorites there, and I will post them in the daily blogs.   Music video to follow is Animal by Nickelback, submitted by Christie Duquette from Land O’Lakes, Florida.  Check it out….its a good tune

BIG LOVE to you all… Happy FUNday!

HA! Tough SHIT!

There is a rumor going around town that FatChick was seen yesterday at Jack’s Hot Dog Stand.  I am here to tell you that you should not believe everything that you hear.  But guess whaaatt??

IT IS ABSOLUTELY TRUE!

On Friday I did NOTHING…NOTHING….so how do ya like me now?? I did NOT exercise.  Not even once. I didn’t even run up the stairs.(Okay, I did do a few sets of standing leg lifts….but whatevs)    I did NOT eat healthy. I ate JACKS! And chocolate milk! And a handful of my niece’s HOTFRIES!  And I had a SLUSH PUPPIE!! And it was BLUE And so is my tongue!!  And I LOVED IT!  Speaking of which, does anyone have any Tums?

AND I HAD  TWO BEERS!!  And a SNACK!! I ate peanut butter today…I haven’t had peanut butter in a month! Damn I missed that peanut butter. I was a total fat pig  sluggy sloth yesterday.

And GUESS WHAT?  I DON”T CARE!  I’M NOT SORRY!!  Neener neener and all that jazz… I  took a day off…..TOUGH SHIT! I’m over it already.  Back on track today. Same Fat Time, Same Fat Channel

FatChick’s Story

I am depressed.  I have been busting my dupa for almost a month, with quite minimal movement of the scale. Yes things fit better.  Yes I have gone down a bit in my  cup size.  But do I REALLY need to go down a cup size?? What was wrong with the cup size I had?? Stupid boobs..

I am still eating prunes.  Let me explain why.  I am not attempting to “cleanse” anything, those that know me also know that I have a very healthy and active colon.  However, I have started taking a multi vitamin, and an additional vitamin D supplement, which tend to slow down  traffic on the fecal freeway. In addition to these, ibuprofen has become part of my food pyramid, due to the excessive pain I have been in because of T and Gilly Ann.  Those ladies really know how to work a body. So instead of adding a pill or a powder to my already toxined body, I have been eating prunes. Au naturel…as I have told you, they work a little too well.

I am back on the good food wagon.  I am exercising ONE AND A HALF HOURS per day.  60 minutes of strength/cardio with a WICKED yoga and ab segment, and 30 minutes on the elliptical.   I have been doing this for approximately 12 days. I have also recently  started taking 3 ten minute walks a day during work with Krista.  ASK me how much additional  weight I have lost.  Go ahead…ASK….a measly one pound. OHMYBALLSCHEDGE  ONE FRIGGIN POUND.

I am no more unrealistic than the next guy here.  I know it takes about 6 weeks to begin to see ” real” results.  I know you don’t just wake up one day and are all of a sudden skinny.  I KNOW this.  But there is still that woman in the depths of my mind that is telling me that the scale should still move SOMEWHAT. I know there are women out there, taking supplements, walking during their lunch breaks, gritting their teeth through a miserable Denise Austin DVD, and even skating the edge of death doing Jillian Michael’s 30 day shred ( which is so intense it is nearly impossible to do, by the way.  NOT recommended for the overweight and out of shape unless you happen to live with an EMT). And I know that these women hop on the scale EVERY DAY in hopes to see that wretched number go down.  And it doesn’t.  The human body needs to come up with a better system here, maybe give a girl the ability to drop a VERY QUICK 10 lbs to keep the motivation high.  Because these aforementioned women are all quitting.  And I wish I could say I blame them, but I don’t. This is so hard, so exhausting, and so time consuming.  My house is a filthy pig hole because all of my free time is spent exercising, and you damn well KNOW no one else is going to clean it.  My grocery bill is off the wall, because eating produce is designed for the budget of only the rich and famous.  Really, does it cost THAT MUCH to grow fruit and vegetables?? Come on now..

I cannot count calories.  I have tried.  Do you know what I constantly  think about?? How many I have left.  Do you know how MADDENING that is?? To be aware of nothing else…NOTHING ELSE…not the changing traffic light, not the tv program, not the conversation with your children…just how many stinking calories you have left to eat, and how you are going to eat them. No thanks.  I am all set.  I am just being extremely conscious about what I am putting in my mouth, and accepting that sometimes, you just need another helping of  rice.  It won’t kill me, that’s for sure, and when you consume only oatmeal and salad all day long, that extra helping of rice most certainly is earned.

So I guess my message to you all is this. Do NOT give up on your SkinnyChick.  Yes it is terribly hard work.  Yes, the food sucks and costs a bloody fortune.   Yes, it takes forever…FOREVER…to see results.  But I have just over 2 weeks left of that coveted  ”first six weeks”, and I swear to Gilly Ann I will not give up….Pray for me…

Mission Log

Mission Goal: to overthrow the bunnies, and regain control of base

Mission Obstacles: Privates Bitchalot and Demandalot, and FatChick

Mission Log:

My request for backup has been received and granted.  Operation plans are to ambush the easter bunnies that have taken control of base. Capt McSkinnobitchz has formed a brigade and air support that will strike today at 0900 hours.  Major Jiminnee Cricket is heading up the air strike, which will be our first wave of attack.     Primary targets are the galley and Pvt’s quarters.   Capt McSkinnobitchz has control of ground strike, which will ensue following Maj Crickets attack.  She will use Guerilla tactics,  to be in and out as quickly as possible.  No hostages will be taken, all enemies are to be shot on site.  All commanders are hopeful for a very successful mission.

I am to stay out of sight on base, and attempt to locate Mission Control and free him from captivity.  I have been preparing for 24 hours, and I believe I have the strength and stamina to achieve this goal.  Once Mission Control has been freed, together we will open full assault operation on FatChick.  She is to be taken alive and tried for treason against her country.

Godspeed to all my brothers and sisters.  We will need all the help we can get.

Further report in the morning.

MISSION LOG

Mission Goal: Release SkinnyChick from captivity

Mission Obstacles: The Easter Bunny

Calories Consumed: roughly 15,000 over the entire weekend, not counting the cookies I didn’t see FatChick eat

Mission Log:

FatChick had been doing incredibly well. She had kept her calorie input to a bare minimum, and was doing double sessions of calisthenics daily. And then Easter hit.

For much of the day, FatChick ate well.   I had ordered the chocolate bunnies to stand down, and FatChick held her fire. There was a celebration at Lieutenant General’s bunker, and FatChick ate what I feel is a normal, healthy amount of food. FatChick even skipped dessert. Impressive.

I am not sure where things started to go downhill. FatChick ate a miniature Reeses egg, and Private Bitchalot chased her down, demanding that she spit it out.  FatChick didn’t, and I believe she laughed in his face and said the words ” Make me”.  At approximately 15:00 hours, FatChick and her platoon convoyed to Enemy Camp.  This is where things went sour.

FatChick and company arrived just in time for dessert at Enemy Camp.  FatChick again skipped dessert, and I was proud. She conversed with friends and was having a good time on leave from base, and I admit I was as well. A visiting Sargeant at the camp told FatChick she looks like she had lost weight since their last visit.  I was ecstatic.  I have been a POW  now for 5 years, and I was getting my first glipse at a day in the sunshine. And then it happened….

It was gruesome. I can barely speak of it.  So many casualties.  The first line of attack came in the form of kielbasa, cheese and horseradish. FatChick took them  down with minimal effort.  A second round of shots was then fired by deviled eggs, pickles and more kielbasa.  These too, suffered numerous casualties. The final wave of the attack came in the form of chocolate chip cookies, cake and easter candy. The bunnies had joined forces with the desserts, and together they made quick work of FatChick.  She never even had a chance. There was enemy fire coming from all directions.  The last I saw her, she was on her knees waving a white flag.

I awoke yesterday at dawn, and I was again with FatChick. We were in horrible pain. Our stomach was a volatile mess.  We spent the entire day in the infirmary. I hope FatChick has learned her lesson. I most certainly have.  The Easter Bunny is far more powerful than I had imagined. He has taken over Ops here  at the base, and has men stationed all over camp. I have sent word through a secret courier that I am in desperate need of backup.  Mission Control is down, so I appear to be on my own. I am hopeful that Captain McSkinnabitchz receives my request in time  and sends suppport. Otherwise, the world may have seen the last of me.

Further report in the morning..

OPERATION: Kill FatChick…FatChick’s story

The last night of pitch league was an interesting one.  Apparently the theme for the night was Sabotage Operation: Kill FatChick…

My good buddy Anne came to pitch peddling Easter M&M’s. When I say “peddling”, what I really mean is dumping them on MY table every damn chance she got.  Every time someone walked by my table, I received a little tiny pastel baggie of M&M’s.  From league members. My Dad.  Her husband. Even the freaking bartender was delivering M&M’s to my table. I had over 30 baggies of M&M’s.  Being the  strong willed and powerful fat person that I am ( which is certainly a lie, otherwise I would not be, well..fat),  I gave them all away to a friend of mine to give to his grandkids.  Anne, on the other hand, got her ass tossed into the Hoosick.  Hope that bitch can swim…..

Shortly thereafter, Bridget called me to complain about the fact that her throat hurts too much for her to swallow her Burger King french fries. She is telling me this while chewing the french fries. Luckily for me,  she is unable to perform the Heimlich on herself.  I am sure gonna miss Bridget…

Dave wanted to go to Village.  He went all right. And he’s still there, locked in their walk- in cooler.  Some people just NEVER learn…

I am feeling a bit good about myself these days.  Exercise, endorphins, blah blah blah..I really think that has very little to do with it.  I believe the real reason for my happiness stems from the fact that I no longer need side  and rear view mirrors in the shower to shave below my Gunt…

I am able to move around much better today.  My muscles have returned to a semi normal, painless state.  It must be the Ben Gay I used the night before.  Have any of you ever used Ben Gay?? Well, it’s really good stuff.  You put it on and rub it in, and it radiates a pain reliever 4 inches farther  out than you originally put it.  Did ya get that?? RADIATES  4 inches.  I used it on my inner  thighs and butt….I have 4 words for you….

FIRE IN THE HOLE!!!!!

OWIE OWIE BOO BOO CITY!

Now that is a mistake I will certainly never make again…